I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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