Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
