I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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