I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
