we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Mom said you looked used
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
