I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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