First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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