When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
