she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Sober January is a disaster.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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