I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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