walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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