She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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