Just took my morning after pill in the library
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
