did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
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