so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
