is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
