I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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