i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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