just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
