I am spending my child support on dildos
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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