I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Panties = found
Randomize
