can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
