you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
