i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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