I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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