Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
