think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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