so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
