sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
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