My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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