My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
