from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
