I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
