the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
