I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
