I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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