Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
