I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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