you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
