Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
