He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
