I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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