This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
