you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
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