just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
no, he came in my armpit
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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