Cold hands, warm shart.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
