It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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