okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
