can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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