I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
