Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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